Driving in the Fog and... - Q: What's the difference between driving in the fog and eating pussy? A: When you're eating pussy you can see the asshole in front of you!
The Bobbit Hillbillies - Sung to the tune of "The Beverly Hillbillies" Come and listen to my story 'bout a man named John, A poor ex-marine with little fraction gone, It seems one night after gettin' with the wife, She lopped off his dong with the swipe of a knife. Penis, that is. Clean Cut. Missed his nuts. Well, the next thing you know there's a Ginsu by his side, And Lorena's in the car taken' Willie for a ride. She soon got tired of her purple-headed friend And tossed him out the window as she rounded a bend. Curve, that is. Tossed the nub. In the shrub. She went to the cops and confessed to the attack, And they called out the hounds just to get his weenie back. They sniffed and they barked and they pointed "Over there" To John Wayne's henry that was waving in the air. Found, that is. By a fence. Evidence. Now peter and John couldn't stay apart too long So a dick doc said, "Hey, I can fix that dong!" "A needle and a thread is all we're gonna need" And the whole world waited till they heard that Johnny peed. Whizzed, that is. Even seam. Straight stream. Well he healed and he hardened and he took his case to court With a half-assed lawyer cause his assets came up short. They cleared her of assault and acquitted him of rape, And his pecker was the only thing they didn't show on tape. Video, that is. Unexposed. Case Closed. Ya'll sleep on your stomachs now, ya hear?
Mother In Law With Broom - John looked up to see his mother-in-law walking toward the front door carrying a broom. "Tell me," he said to her, "are you going to clean house with it or fly away on it?"
Tip of the iceberg - A traveling salesman checked into a futuristic motel. Realizing he needed a haircut before his next day's meeting, he called down to "I'm afraid not, sir," the clerk told him, "but down the hall is a special machine that should serve your purposes." Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the appropriate machine, inserted fifty cents, and stuck his head in the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his head in the mirror, which reflected the best haircut he ever received in his life. Down the hall was another machine with a sign that read, "Manicures 25 cents." "Why not?" thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and pulled them out perfectly manicured. The next machine had a huge sign that read, "This Machine Provides What Men Need Most When Away from Their Wives - cost 50 cents." The salesman was embarrassed and looked both ways. Seeing nobody around he put in fifty cents, then unzipped his pants and stuck his "thing" into the opening - with great anticipation, since he had been away from his wife for two weeks. When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony. Fifteen seconds later it shut off and, with trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his "thingy"... Which now had a button sewed on the tip.
Baby Birds - You know that Stork's bring babys of course. What kind of bird defiantly does not bring babys? Swallows!
The Parting of the Red Sea - How did Moses part the Red Sea? With a seesaw!
Mirror, mirror - A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop, and hangs it on her bathroom door. One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says "Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bustline forty four". Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her breasts grow to enormous proportions. Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what happened, and in minutes they both return. This time the husband crosses his fingers and says "Mirror mirror on the door, make my penis touch the floor!". Again, there's a bright flash...and then his legs fall off!
Lawyer's Translation - A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for his capture, and an enterprising Texas ranger decided to track him down. After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina, snuck up behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to the bandit's head, and said, "You're under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or I'll blow your brains out." But the bandit didn't speak English, and the Ranger didn't speak Spanish. Fortunately, a bilingual lawyer was in the saloon and translated the Ranger's message. The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the loot was buried under the oak tree in back of the cantina. "What did he say?" asked the Ranger. The lawyer answered, "He said 'Get lost, Gringo. You wouldn't dare shoot me!'"
Good Samaritan - A man is having a few drinks at a bar when he looks over and notices a drunk guy passed out at a table nearby. The bartender tells him the drunk is Mr. Murphy and asks the man if he could drive Mr. Murphy home. Being a good Samaritan, the man agrees. The bartender writes down the address and gives it to him. The man walks over and tries to wake Mr. Murphy but Mr. Murphy is groggy and quite drunk. The man helps Mr. Murphy to his feet and Mr. Murphy falls to the floor in a heap. "Jeez," the man says wondering how anyone could drink so much. He takes Murphy by the arm and practically drags him out to the car. Once there he leans him against the side of his car while he looks for his keys. Mr. Murphy slides down to the ground. The man finds his keys and manages to get Murphy positioned in the car. He then drives to the address the bartender gave him. He opens the passenger door and helps Mr. Murphy out and the guy falls to the ground. Cursing softly, now, the man helps him to his feet and practically drags him to the front door. He lets go of Mr. Murphy to knock on the door and the guy falls down again. He helps him to his feet as Mrs. Murphy answers the door. "Hi, Mrs. Murphy, Your husband had a little too much to drink tonight so I gave him a ride home." "That was nice of you," she says, looking around... "But where's his wheelchair?" (woo-hoo! that's MEAN!)
Riddle Of Men - What do men have difficulty retaining? a) a job b) a budget c) a promise d) a secret e) a friendship f) a marriage g) an anniversary date h) a 30-minute erection i) all of the above
Skydiving - Why do girls have to where a cup when they skydive? So they dont whistle!
What's in a name anyway - Two very elderly ladies were enjoying the sunshine on a park bench in Miami. They had been meeting in that park every sunny day, for over 12 years...chatting, and enjoying each others friendship. One day, the younger of the two ladies, turns to the other and says,... "Please don't be angry with me dear, but I am embarrassed, after all these years...What is your name? I am trying to remember, but I just can't." The older friend stares at her, looking very distressed, says nothing for 2 full minutes, and finally with tearful eyes, says... "How soon do you have to know?"
Shingle Material - How many Kentucky basketball fans does it take to roof a house? Three, if you slice them really thin.
What is Green, Slimy... - What is Green, Slimy, and Smells like Pork? Kermits Dick
Blonde on a Cruise! - A Blonde walks into a Restaraunt, and she goes straight to the bulletin board in the back. She looks at the bulletin board and sees a piece of paper that sais "Ocean Cruise Only 5$". She pulls the piece of paper off the wall and goes to the address listed on the back of paper. She walks into the building and hands the secretary the piece of paper. The secretary nods and asks if she had the five dollars. The blonde nods and pulls five dollars out of her pocket and hands it to the secretary. The secretary looks over to a burly black guy reading a news paper. She nods to the black guy. He stands up and knocks the blonde unconcious. When the blonde wakes up, she's tied to a log and is floating down river. She started to think that this was a bad idea, when all of a sudden she sees one of her friends, (who is also blonde) tied to a log floating right next to her. The blonde she looks at her friend and says "So do you think they're going to serve us some food on this trip?" And the other blonde replies "They didn't serve any last year?"